Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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