They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
