walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
