I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
