you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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