I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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