I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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