Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize