You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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