dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
