fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
