This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
