i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
