forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He better not be in your backpack
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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