My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
