That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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