I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
