I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he was CRYING into my vagina
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
