Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
