just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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