lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
