What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize