Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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