dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
