i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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