Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm like, not good at living.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
