She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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