dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
