i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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