New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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