I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
