Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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