I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
