Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
