My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
