i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
