worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
