In the future we'll all be gay
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
