I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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