I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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