the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
