My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
