honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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