either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
