im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
