Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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