He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
