In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
