Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
