I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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