she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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