remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Randomize
