She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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