he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
