I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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